My "F" Story: Part 2, The Effects

If you haven't read Part 1, the story about how I almost received an F, please check it out now.

Now, Part 2, is the symptoms of a law student with a failing grade.

1 - It started with that awful "world is spinning, I feel faint, why can't I get enough air"feeling that is probably best categorized as shock.  I think that is the best way to describe it.

2 - Unfortunately, the feeling of shock has only just hit when the second symptom sets in.  Almost as soon as I saw the grade, I started thinking of ways to hide it.  Maybe this is denial, but I think it has more to do with shame.  I really didn't want anyone to know about it, more than I didn't want to admit it to myself.  Actually, the odd thing is, I think I accepted it almost immediately.

3 - The "Happy Face" then comes into play, at least if you are in a situation like mine where you can't escape other people.  And of course, Murphy's Law sets in.  First of all, I am actually home with my parents.  I go home once or twice a year, for one or two days at a time.  What are the odds?  Then, of course, my mom calls me down for dinner, and law school comes up during dinner.  Then, to top it all off, my dad decides he wants to sit on the back porch and have a cigar with me after dinner (which I wasn't about to turn down) and of course the conversation turns straight to "What might you do with your career? Where do you want to go from here?"

4 - The next step, at least for me, was a feeling of extreme failure.  It really stung that I might actually have failed a class, and what made it worse, was I really tried.  I put in a ton of effort, took my studies seriously, and felt proud about them.  I started thinking that, although it sounds coy, I was a failure.

5 - About this time I was arriving back in Baltimore, and I did get into the "I need to fight this!" kick.  I counted out my papers, saw that I did well, knew there must be a mistake.  I did my research, got my facts together, gathered evidence.  Then I started emailing and calling people who I thought could help me.  This actually was a really good step.  Unfortunately it all happened Friday afternoon, and none of the people I called or emailed were in their offices.

6 - This is when it got really bad.  I stopped being able to sleep, at all.  When I did drift off for a few moments, I kept waking up to nightmares.  I was wearing my best suit.  I walk into a an office. I sit down, smile, look confident.  "So, I have reviewed your resume, but I have to ask you, what about this F you received in ITA?" I try to explain... the curve... tough teacher... learned a lot... poor program...  "Ok, but how is that different from any other day in court? You can do perfectly passable work, but if opposing counsel does better, and moves the curve up, you lose."  Then I wake up.

7 - Along this time, another really surreal thing kept happening.  I kept trying to make plans for my future.  Well, I can always go back into Psych Rehab.  Maybe I will just become a full time bartender.  I suppose I could try and transfer, but where can I transfer too?

8 - The worst part was, I couldn't shake these feelings.  When I went to my internship Monday morning, My Judge asked me a few times how my weekend was.  He is an awesome guy and will actually remember things I have told him the week before, but asked a few times.  I didn't want to say anything though, imagine how disappointed he would be in me.

9 - On lunch break I get the call from Academic Support, it looks like there is an error and I passed.  I hang up the phone and cry.

10 - On getting back to court, My Judge wants to know where I got lunch.  I tell him Burger King.  He wants to know who I "was with" at lunch.  I tell him no one, but I found out I didn't fail.  He admonishes me for not telling him in the morning.  He then proceeds to spend 45 minutes counseling me on success, hard work, and what is really important.

"If there is one thing I have learned in my professional career, it is that with hard work ultimately you can find success, even in spite of your own best efforts to the contrary."

11 - That Friday, I receive an official grade change letter from UB.  The rest of my grades go up as well. On the next Monday, My Judge asks me about it, I tell him.  He introduces me to the Head Administrative Judge, the Governor's wife, and an Assistant State's Attorney with 30 years experience as having "first year grades that would make us all jealous."  Probably hyperbole, but they don't know that!

I don't know how this sounds to the rest of you.  About right? Did I over react? Under react?  Post 3 is going to be a philosophical discussion of grades and their inflated importance, but in the meantime, does anyone want to share their own stories?